Posted on by nikita

The Art of Balancing — Is it for real?

“NJ, you are an inspiration for the other team members regarding work-life balance”.

These were the words of one of my colleagues during my farewell. While I was at my job, many co-workers admired and respected my inclination for work-life balance.

But the recent statements by Infosys co-founder Mr. Narayana Murthy and the chairman of L&T Mr. Subhramanyan have not only shocked me but also compelled me to rethink my work habits and even question my capabilities. 70 hours a week? 90 hours a week? Was it possible for my brain to work sanely beyond an 8-hour job?

And to add to this melancholy, I don’t even have a spouse to stare at me. At least, it would have taken away a bit more of my remaining 16-hour day, in addition to cooking and cleaning.

Of course, Mr. Murthy’s and Mr. Subhramanyan’s approach to work is their corporate way of enjoying life, which is different from mine. To each their own — just like families, friends, and relatives at a marriage, each with their own expectations.

One of the most common scenarios in Indian weddings is the helplessness of the bride and groom in maintaining a balance between their in-laws’ excitement during photography. It’s like a tug-of-war — which family will click photographs first with the newlywed? It’s amusing to watch both parties in constant tussle trying to prove who has the upper hand. Who is superior? Because it doesn’t stop with a single family photo; they gather a crowd of relatives and friends on their sides, each waiting for their turn to be clicked with the couple —  proof of their attendance at the wedding.

Hardly anyone cares about the comfort of the couple in question. No one notices their efforts in balancing the weight on their heads — the groom with a heavy headgear in the form of safa (turban) and the bride with the stiffly and densely pinned pallu to her hair-do.

The newlyweds aren’t the unusual Kumbh Mela babas who seem to have mastered the art of balancing: like the one with a 45 kg tower of rudraksha beads on his head, and another with a pigeon perched on his head. (I thought only Sooraj Barjatya was fond of pigeons who could get his lyricist to compose a hit song on a pigeon in the 1990s.) Such an ability to balance can be achieved only after years of practice and penance, which the newlyweds lack.

This brings me to an understanding that balance isn’t everyone’s forte — whether it’s physical, social, or mental. Whether on the head or in the head. Take YouTuber, Ranveer Allahbadia, for instance, who is all over the media for his inappropriate comments. His apology seems to convey that there was some chemical locha in his mind during a reality show appearance.

Did the chemicals in his Beer hit him so hard that he lost the ability to distinguish between ‘pure humour’ and ‘putrid humour’?

Apparently, at this point, even his Biceps can’t help him fight the backlash he’s facing. And that too for copying the content from an Australian reality show, Alan Vs Sam.

We don’t know why he said what he said.

Whatever the reason, the art of balancing isn’t as easy as giving advice — whether in work, personal life, or maintaining a public image.

*****

An afterthought: What about environmental balance?

*****

Husband: You should have been vigilant about the stuff our child watches.
Wife: I have a WFH (Work FOR home) job. Just like you.

Posted on by nikita

From peri to post, the bells are ringing

Jingle bells, jingle bells, 
Jingle all the way,
Santa Claus is coming along,
riding down his way…

Why am I singing the Christmas song before Christmas? It’s still time for December. Christmas is still away. Of course, I know. I am just trying to keep up with the ‘pre’ trend. 

Nowadays, many things happen ‘pre’ to the event or festival. Like a pre-Diwali lunch or dinner. Pre-Diwali parties. It’s understandable though. You can’t be at different places simultaneously on the same day. You aren’t the omnipresent and omniscient God; you’re simply god-like. And to become a god or be considered God, you should be able to do godly things for real. 

Like the way, women can do certain things akin to god. For example, enduring pain in all its forms – mental, physical, and emotional before and after giving birth to a new life. They create a new life on earth. Isn’t it godly? 

Or even enduring pain every month from the age of 12 or 13 (it could be early/late for some) till the age of 40 (again, the age could vary).  And the painful cycle (many theists might consider it a Karmic cycle) doesn’t seem to end. Appears eternal. Because she still has to go through the stages of menopause — perimenopause and postmenopause. (Premenopause isn’t the correct medical term though people use it quite often.)

In keeping up with the pre-trend, I stumbled upon an amusing idea of connecting these prefixes to different stages of marriage.

For example, peri-wedding — the joy around marriage. It could be the courtship period once the wedding bells are rung, alluding to the likelihood of marriage between two people. There’s joy, excitement, fun, and jingling bells all around. The would-be bride and groom become Santa Claus for each other — giving gifts and surprises to each other, dashing through the metaphorical snow to meet each other. 

Then comes the pre-wedding aspect — the pre-wedding photo shoot. Quite in vogue currently. It’s like helping couples get comfortable with the photographer before they can get comfortable with each other — I mean, getting them to become more confident in front of the camera before the wedding day. 

The photographer gives lessons on the real-life application of math —  what should be the width of their smiles, the space between their lips, the distance they need to keep between them, the angle at which they hold their hands, and so on, so that the couple is thoroughly prepared for the day of marriage. 

And then there’s marriage. There’s music — the dhinchaak music during the procession— filling the air in a literal sense. There’s a Santa-like figure in white attire, the white beard replaced with a black beard (or no-beard), with a garland of flowers or currency notes around his neck, riding in a sparkling horse-drawn carriage. Sleighs can’t run on bumpy Indian roads, I suppose.

For the first few years of marriage, there are flowers, stars, moon, poetry, and everything that sounds and feels romantic under the sun. You are still Santa Claus to each other, but the size and the type of gifts begin to change. The pleasant surprises gradually lose their charisma, along with the hormonal changes. And sometimes you feel shocked not to receive those once-upon-a-time-lovey-dovey surprises. Your reactions are so much similar to hot flashes during menopause. 

But since you are in a karmic cycle, life continues. Until one day, you begin demonstrating post-marriage symptoms. This is the phase when you get used to each other, taking each other for granted, and the jingling bells transition to resting bells used in Buddhist meditative practices. You start considering the sound of everyday music therapeutic in nature. Sometimes, the absence of it brings discomfort and disquietude. The sonorous sound and the wave-like vibrations created by striking a gong (read kitchen plates, here) make you feel like an eternal celebration of the ritual of marriage. 

Whatever the stages be, you live happily ever after.

Happy New Year

*****

Friend (a prediscussion): Where did you get this idea for your blog?
Me: Why? Does it ring a bell with you?

Posted on by nikita

Calls, Covers, Celebration and Commotion

Rakshabandhan is around the corner and we can already smell excitement in the otherwise drowsy atmosphere. The shoppers appear more attentive in following the city’s green, red, yellow, and orange traffic lights rather than the colour-coded alerts that didn’t actualize as cautioned by the Indian Meteorological Department (IMD). Instead of raining cats and dogs as predicted by the IMD, only to be proven predictably wrong, it’s raining sales and discounts everywhere.

However, not everybody would be thrilled about the approaching festival. Some see the rakhi celebration as just another family gathering, and I don’t completely disagree. At the same time, that’s what festivals like Rakshabandhan, Diwali, Utarayan, and many more Indian festivals have evolved into — a family feast.

And today when joint families are becoming less common, such festivals could be considered a need of the hour even if one sees a family member only on special occasions, once or twice a year.

In fact, such a celebratory moment could be used as a springboard to start a conversation with this one-time-in-the-year-meeting brother or sister. To catch up with some of the latest titbits of each other’s lives.

I agree that more often than not there’s more commotion than communication during such gatherings, but that’s what life is all about—without chaos, can we understand calm?

And your peace is tested in every imaginable way — from selecting rakhis and gifts to finalizing the menu for the celebration. The prepping up for the celebration is more interesting than merely the day of celebration.

It begins with making calls by the ladies in the family to mama ki beti or bua ki beti or chacha ki beti or mausi ki beti, or a couple of these betiya, or all of them when there’s a Suraj Barjatia movie-type family. And then there are 3rd generation betiya also for whom calls are made. There’s a complete checklist of names the mother or the wife needs to keep a tab on so that none of them is missed.

Thinking out loud — why is it that the woman of the house (in most cases) has to make calls? Is there any such clause in the Constitution of Patriarchy that feminists should be directed to?

Or possibly, such a work of responsibility is awarded to women since they are the ones who score higher than men in areas of interpersonal relationships and social responsibility? Someone who understands how to bind families together. There are exceptions, of course.

Once you (the sister) have received the calls and checked the box next to each brother’s name, the scavenger hunt begins. You dash from one shop to another, looking for the right and affordable gifts for your brothers. (You generally have a budget to follow unless the Ambani(s) is the limit). Because there will be some who love chocolates, some who love mithai, some who prefer sugar-free cookies, and some who are under an oath to not have any mithai, chocolates, or cookies for a certain period.

Buying thoughtful gifts for your brothers can be daunting, but it’s fun too. Of course, brothers also make a humongous effort to prepare envelopes, also called covers (which again are generally bought by the woman of the house) for their sisters, considering the creeping inflation. Hopefully! 🙂

The covers remind me of the generation-old practice of maintaining a book to record the money given and received during festivals and marriages. Have you come across a 100-page hardcover notebook in your mother’s almirah, where they made a note of who gave what and when?

Preparing covers for numerous sisters is not as simple as Mr. Gandhi’s remark about ‘budget ka halwa’ might sound. Like the ‘halwa ceremony’, marking the final stage of the Budget, brothers decide on a budget a few days before Rakshabandhan — a traditional practice of deciding whom to give how much. Your bond with your brothers could be one of the criteria for the amount you would receive in a closed envelope. A deciding factor.

Might not be true for every individual. Because not everyone believes in following their parents’ age-old footsteps. Just as smartphones become smarter with each new update, brothers are becoming smarter by the day. They understand that, with time, the value of money has changed and so should the weight of the covers. (Some hint, just in case…:)

And finally, there’s D-Day. Happy celebration and happy commotion. Colourful rakhis, kumkum, fancy covers and gifts, and family lunch or dinner.

*****

A quick reality check:
Are we celebrating the bond between a brother and a sister for the sake of it? One more example of conditioning since we’ve been tying rakhi from a very young age? Is it perfunctory? Or are genuine emotions of love and care at play on both sides?

*****

Brother: What do you want for this Rakshabandhan?
Sister: Acknowledgement.

Source of the image – https://cdn.siasat.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/images-11.jpeg

Posted on by nikita

From a Hush to a Hash

Gone are the days of indistinct murmurs, funny gesticulation, and coded language. It seems so after 2018. The year when the Padman made an attempt to break the taboo around menstruation.

The recent debate in the parliament tells us that it is no longer a hush-hush subject of discussion. It is no longer smothered within the four walls of several households. And such open acknowledgment of their emotional and physical pain might have brought a sigh of relief – a hash –  to many menstruating women and girls. 

No. By no means do I want to argue in this blog about whether the Indian parliament should pass any law on ‘paid period leave’ at workspaces or not. What about those homemakers who have to cook (because their culture or religion allows them)? 

I am happy with the idea of people talking about periods, even though the conversations are through paid period leaves. Acknowledging the fact that periods are exhausting in every way and immensely painful for many. (At least for me.) And it’s not simply periods, more than that the rules and prohibitions that come along in many cultures in the name of religion. Again, I don’t want to delve into any discussion about whether gods passed any such law that women shouldn’t do certain things and not be in certain places while they are menstruating. He must have had more pressing issues to be addressed in His discourses. 

Sorry, but I have not been able to put this thought out of my mind for a long time. You can also ponder over it. 

Just imagine God sitting on the highest pedestal or the divine peak of some heavenly mountain sermonizing a vast assemblage of His followers. Patriarchy at its peak? Would He talk about menses or values like honesty, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, truth, love, non-violence, and so on? Is it that He must have instructed the women gathered there, “Please don’t come to me when you are in pain? Menstrual pain. I can’t help it. It’s your biology, your problem”. Or, do you think He must have said, “Hark, fair ladies! Thou hast sinn’d and transgressed, hence thou art destined to be women”! What if a woman dared to respond, “Thou, Heavenly Father, art born of a woman”.

Anyway, the point here is about having a dialogue. Even if it’s in the name of equal rights for women at workplaces or any other hidden political agenda, MP Manoj Kumar, without covering his face with his hand, debated on the topic of paid menstrual leave with the bahu of BJP in the parliament. 

Seems like we are progressing, even if it’s at a slower pace.

Because even today there are families who don’t talk about menstruation openly. Recently, a friend of mine called me. I asked him about the absence of his wife at a particular event. He said, “Enathi avai evu nahi hatu. Aaram hato”. Even when I was growing up, people in my family and friends used to talk in coded language. Personalized euphemism to make it sound polite. Phrases like ‘wicket padi gai’ or ‘out of order’ and gesticulations like tapping the head or a thumbs down were used to send the message that the woman was menstruating. The fun part was, and is, that the absence of the lady of the house at family functions, or festivals would indirectly send the message to all the relatives that she was going through the three painful days of the month. So, something that was supposed to be a hush-hush was out in the public. The amusing paradox of a woman’s life ha! 

Friend – What’s your take on ‘paid period leave’?
Me – Pondering. Period.

Happy Progressive New Year

Posted on by nikita

#CelebWatch NJ @ A Social Function

Aamir Khan’s day out!

It sounds so much like – Baby’s Day Out. 1994 movie. Here it’s not a baby though. It’s a big babo. For us, the Gujaratis, a baby is a baby – a girl. Chhokri. And babo is a boy. Chhokro. And you can still be addressed as babo and baby even after you have crossed the age limit of infancy. Even when you are a parent to a baby boy or a baby girl.

In the past, my parents would be asked – Tamari baby su kare che? (What does your daughter do?) And they would happily respond – Amari baby have baby nathi rahi. Paranva layak thai gai che. (She is no longer a small girl now. She is old enough for marriage.)

With time they had to change their answer. 

*****

Kareena Kapoor Khan was spotted outside a salon in the city today! She looked stunning as always in her khaki baggy pants and a black T-back top, with a pair of expensive sunglasses.

We get such news on social media every day. And this made me ponder, what kind of news would be set floating on social media for an asocial person like me. Not antisocial, mind it.

NJ (that’s me) was spotted at a social function! She wore a Duchenne smile (which seemed fake) on her seemingly unapproachable face, with a pair of cat-eye glasses. While some of her fans considered the glasses made her look older, others considered it as a mark of an aspiring writer. 

Fans gathered to click pictures of Kareena, blocking the way to her car. She couldn’t deny selfies with some of them. 

So that her fewer fans, other than a few friends, can’t spot her in the multitude of people where most of the time she felt lost, NJ spotted an empty chair on the rear end of the 3rd row near a pedestal fan. In a futile attempt to reach to the spot unnoticed, she was eventually followed by a couple of her fans who prodded her into seemingly intelligent conversations with them. But the soft consonants and vowels uttered by her in between these conversations were shredded to pieces by the huge rotating blades of the fan.

And when she was not talking, she would be posing awkwardly for some pictures with them, since they supposedly wanted to keep some memories of her. The buzz was they might not see her again for a year or two. Or until her 50s.

There were selfie lovers too in the crowd. NJ had to give in to their persistent humble requests as well. Already trolled for her alleged snobbery, she wanted to refrain from any controversial actions, behaviour and comments. Last time her behaviour was misconstrued.

Click! Click! Spot on! 

*****

Friend: Did you watch Mungerilal Ke Haseen Sapne when you were small?
Me: My dear friend, many a true word is spoken in jest.

Source of the image – https://aglaiapsicologia.es/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/tF1KhbkNpyk.jpg